So, here’s the thing: I’m not a paid shill. I don’t get free samples, I don’t attend influencer junkets, and I definitely don’t drink the Kool-Aid. My name’s Greta Grim, and I’ve been testing cheap Chinese crap for a decade so you don’t have to. Today’s victim: a ‘smart’ water bottle from a brand called HydraBlitz. Spoiler: it’s about as smart as a rock. The HypeHydraBlitz claims this bottle tracks your water intake, glows to remind you to drink, and syncs with your phone. The reviews on Amazon are glowing—but we all know those are either bots or people who just opened the box. I bought it with my own…